I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
