Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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