If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
