He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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