im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
