Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
