um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
