this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
