Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
