perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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