Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
