i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
