woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
