I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
