i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
