K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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