I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
