Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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