ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
