I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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