I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
