I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
