That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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