dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
