While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
