The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
