I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
