I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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