Kiss
Puke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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