I hate your face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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