***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
