He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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