im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
