OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Who died my cat blue again?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
