hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
