you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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