Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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