im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
