Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There r osticjed everywhere
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
