Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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