would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
COCAINE IS GR8
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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