i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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