I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
