he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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