guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
