if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
