i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
