Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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