i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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