two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
